mama hips

November 17, 2011

Happiness abound damnit

Filed under: Uncategorized — Kim Pacini @ 3:58 am

tonight my husband and i were talking over my frustration at the way things are..that working part time and taking care of my family while my husband travels for weeks at a time to make a living. My issue being that I get the hours of 9-12pm to do anything I need or want done: getting ready for the next day, working out, looking for job while making a career change, taking care of my family and our ongoing needs. This condensed list alone makes it seem ridiculous. I see two sides of the ridiculousness: am i nuts for complaining – take the 2-3 hours, eat well and take it. Or thats a crazy way to live. In any event, something needs to change: a paradigm shift, quitting my job or some reorganizing that lets me make strides in an area. I need more time to get ahead.

This is effecting my happiness.

So how do I handle this? What do I want? I want a break. I want to have room to breathe. I want to be able to lead a creative life. Maybe I need to let go of any connection to the future and direction and need to be happy for what we have. What makes me happy every day:
Joes face
Danaes face
flowers

I can go from feeling on top of the world to pissed off and sad within a day. Is true I feel burnt out a bit and tired. Its also true that I dont like that as an excuse to live happy. The truth is we are making some money, paying some bills and for that I am very grateful. I have love which is immeasurable. When its listed this way, I see I have nothing to complain of. But then I want something more in terms of quality of life: I want to enjoy everything I do and I want to do it all well – I feel that is not the case but that I could be better at everything if I was able to give all my talents to it. I could be a better Mom, I could be a powerful career girl, I could be a great writer. I want to be with Danae all the time, I want to take care of my family all of time by making the house warm, of advancing our direction out of here, I want to do yoga 3 times a week and run another. I want to write, write write. My life now seems squeezed and often anxious. What do I need to heal from?

Its a dream but I suddenly feel its wrong to have a dream past the heaven of Joe and Danae’s love. It needs to not be so forced.

June 7, 2011

DJ Nickodemus

Filed under: Dance music, running, synchronicity — Tags: , , , , , , , , — Kim Pacini @ 3:27 am

I discovered funky Afro world circus time travelin DJ Nickodemus  at PEX Heartburn V.  My favorite recollection was from the vantage point of being behind the DJ booth – talking and groovin in red and when I  looked up and not one person was doing anything but dancing with full engagement in the beat, the groove, the fun of it all. It was a room compelled of thousands of feet and bodies having a blast in the music. When I looked to the DJ booth, it was Nickodemus behind the decks.

So I’ve been running to his mixes because I can immerse into the activity while my imagination has a platform to occupy: we’ve got hip hop with trumpets, poppy beats on cowbells, umpas, lyrics, claps all in one. Very bouncy, sorta sophisticated but more like all around fun.

Today I was running when his Africa Edition 2010 came on. This is what I came up with along Kelly Drive today:

Mark 3.22:  1) I see a black couple doing some Adam and Eve groovin. booty shakin; fig leaves and all. 2) for the guitar I see a bluesy rock and roll guy jamming out in the corner on the floor somewhere. Or a 13-ish year old kid being super badass on the guitar.

Mark 3.32: I see a a crowd of all races sizes, people, personalities dancing with a spotlight shining on each one as their part rises. woman and man are spiritual forces brought together to live..

Mark 6.00: heard the track in Nickodemus world before. never gets old.

Mark 6.24: clap, clap – side stepping 80’s breakdancing guys

Mark 7.09: super animated  country cowgirl ringing a triangle

I also see in there a big black lady rolling her hips fluidly with big ol smile, I see native Americans in full headress, I see horns, I all these people moving in synchronicity to all come together somewhere @ the 9.37 mark. Dancing, doing acting up a storm making a perfectly choreographed super beautiful diverse crowd.

How could I not get moving to this?

June 6, 2011

Car ride epiphany: Motherhood

On the way home today, I was yet again reminded of strength of connection after having the scariest experiences ever when my daughter explored past her toddler limits. She is fine and nothing happened but we were both traumatized by the fear I felt. It was a lesson in trust, a lesson in the ways boundaries will be tested in the lengths of my daughters spirit of exploration. Her development is so quick, her impulses so genuine  fierce determination in everything  she does. epiphany

I had a car ride home to not think about it and relax and what I got from it was a lesson in self reliance as a mother. I am shifting my life to let me spend more time with Danaë as being with her is the place I resonate the strongest and want to be. Not ever including mother as something I wanted to be when I grew up, this phase of my life evolved from a uterus driven impulse I could not ignore  -that it was time to make a baby. I have no training for this, no pre-expressed desire or research to substantiate; no preparation no articulation of the goal. I am scared of not doing well, of causing unintended harm due to my lack of awareness, education or ability.

As I drove home, I remembered she is safe, sleeping sweetly in the backseat as I drove us home.  I connected to everything we did this weekend and what we do every day. What I do for Danaë everyday:  kissing, tickling, feeding, teaching, cleaning, involving, exposing, guiding, shaping and loving – packing snacks, going down slides, rolling in the grass, giving baths, holding her hand to fall asleep. I thought of the car packed with our weekend supplies, the fun we had at the zoo and the tons of love she had with her grandparents all weekend long and I feel like superwoman.

On the PA Expressway, driving into the night, I realized I do have the ability to do this well (as my mother pointed out) as evidenced in the sweet, smart, kind, compassionate, inquisitive, vocal, imaginative, loving, independent little girl we are raising.

Self reliance is nothing I can be worried about any longer because we and she is fucking brilliant. We’re perfect for one another as we evolve together into who we truly are.

May 21, 2011

36 approacheth

Filed under: Uncategorized — Kim Pacini @ 4:46 am

the people i surround myself with are so full of life, wishing nothing but the best for eachother, for me. they make me feel alive. they dont care what others think, they all have their shit. they are brilliantly creative and love immensely.

tonight, i begin to celebrate my 36th year. on the drive home, I remembered the critical points where I had the balls to do ridiculous things. where i walked away from something to keep to my integrity, when I took risks because why not and where I may have been scared, it never stopped me. now, at 36 when I have responsibility and another life to develop I see that I have let fear stand in some way.

life is full and fruitful and to live it as anything else is selling it short. I feel so happy.

May 3, 2011

Miguel Migs Colorful You

Filed under: Music, transformation, writing — Tags: , , , — Kim Pacini @ 3:09 am

Right now, I’m listening to Miguel Migs’ Colorful You album. I was introduced to this album when I met my husband, when I was living with my best friend Elmo.  I was twenty seven years old and new things about my ability to thrive on my own were being revealed as I fell magnificently in love with Joe. Mindiscs, camel cigarettes and the Enders Game series are what warm my chakras from this time.

A year or so later, the album reappeared as a frequent listen as I power walked the South Philly neighborhood I lived in when I moved in with Joe. Cut off shorts and a Tshirt, I’d haul my ass past pizza joints, churches, old men on the stoop and hardware stores. Surrender is the jam from then.   Release your love. Come on, how can you not love that when yer striding  and keepin it fit?

The track Soulvibe reminds me of  that first Winter when I had Danae. I would strut throughout my house to this album, my little one strapped to me in the Bijorn as I lifted my legs and spun and twirled my arms around keeping her madly entertained as I danced my way through the winter with a newborn baby. Our bodies become one. I’ve got to touch your soulvibe. Those are some great lyrics to a groovy little beat. Those times were snow and intense, new love.

So it seems that this album’s number is called in the jukebox that houses my life soundtrack during times of rather significant transformation. I like it so much  that when there is nothing left to do but enjoy the moment I return to it to help me do that. As a matter of fact, that is the reason I  chose to listen to it tonight. The sentence, “write about what you love” has been floating across my open eyes these days so tonight, this album was put on without thinking about it and what resulted was a really fantastic thread of connecting to times of the most brilliant transformation.

Gotta love music. Gotta love deep house sexy loungy groovy funky music.

April 2, 2011

The Business of Reinvention

Filed under: Uncategorized — Kim Pacini @ 3:22 am

The business of reinvention is one of constant checking in with yourself. I think that for best results, absorption in sources of inspiration is a tremendous benefit. That is where I am tonight, reminding myself of my whys, my story and the one I am driving the unfolding of.

Lately, there has been alot of thought on my part about acceptance of who I am. This is coming in several forms: listening to my instinct, articulating a career/life path based on desires, self-love. I am amazed at how much I talk myself out of my instincts. Its in the interest of making the best decisions for us so I think everything through to investigate that it is the most sound or right thing. That’s happens as far down as to what I get for lunch. My concern that this second guessing is standing in the way of strength in focus and mission.

Lets try and make a case for talking myself into stopping or at least seriously curtailing how this rather tired and tiring involved thought process. Right now, reinvention is happening all around: friends and family are creating existences of joy out of thin air by moving to exotic places, taking new jobs, quitting crappy jobs and taking vacations. I have been following a path of thought in the last two years that is accelerating in pace as I notice the first glimmer of the sun on the horizon. In the last few months I have come to realize this is about discovery. I feel its been since the new year where everything before it is in the past and the forms the existing elements in life had are being reintroduced or re assimilated even to build a more sound being.

I suffered a leg injury that resulted in my not exercising too much resulting in trying acupuncture for the first time and seeking a physical therapist in interest of strengthening so I can run again. I have rearranged my job to allow for a schedule I need to pursue other options. The scope of my other options has emerged to be something explosively beyond anything I was thinking a year ago. I literally grasp that anything is possible now. The proof of this is found in the people around me who believe in fabricating their own unique lives. It would be helpful to have mentors with kids to help out with this. Being able to do the best thing for Danaë is the primary factor and the ideas we are coming up with are so far removed from anything I ever knew that I don’t know if or how it works. Then again, that is how it is now. I grew up in the suburbs and am raising a daughter in a city: the grass is somewhere else, the smells are of people: restaurant kitchens, lunch carts, grime, coffeeshops, pizza, cheesesteaks, chinese, Halal food, soap stores, fabric softener, and staircase to public transportation and horse poop are scents of this city.  There is a constant hum of people and distinct hiss of the bus, our house attached to the other ones. Shes in care some days at an age way earlier than I was and her Dad is at times the primary care giver. These distinctions are part of an evolution, I see where the haphazard is anything but in the cosmic game.

My attention has been brought lately as well to where I can make adjustments to be more kick ass. Things like keeping my clothes organized, paying attention to what I am doing, making sure to follow through on ideas and projects. Along with this, balancing acceptance and the certain flow.

The gemini dual thing can be exhausting. No wonder I am tired.

Inspiration. Flow. Centered. Relaxed. Focused. Full. Accepting. Prosperous. Grateful.  Abundant. Confident being. Larger than self. It is working.

January 27, 2011

resistance is futile

Filed under: Uncategorized — Kim Pacini @ 4:42 am

if i have learned one thing that I keep learning over and over is tat resistance is futile. what is meant to be, is going to happen and if I take a deep breathe and appreciate the unfolding it may a very wonderful process.

write about what I love. pex. be the writer for pex. I like that.

i haven’t written in while as all its been happening. i guess thats it, i guess, now thar I look at it, there has been a lot of making it happen. I took a great breath the other day; on the the inhale I took in the surrounding of my dining room nestled in the middle of my house where my husband of 5 years and I were eating dinner with the daughter we created two years ago. hes waiting for a call to go work anywhere in the country and I am settling into a vocal and trusting of the self confidence. what will be? where will I land or rather discover along the way.

ive resigned myself to it not being a question of landing but rather of self definition and listening to whats guiding. my life is in a bit of pulling and stretching as i take the straddling step between what is and what i want to be. the way I know I am making the right decisions is that whatever choices i am making are exciting me. resonating. all of the sudden, i find myself wanting to make time for the gym and running. I have an appointment with a holistic doctor and as of now, have no hangups about money.   This is where I am today.

I have always felt that I was wrong. making excuses for shortcomings or failures before recognizing successes. This is so inherent that I see it as core tube of energy that is in the middle of many reflections I have. I know it wasnt always there, I remeber feeling free and happy and perfectly loved and accepted as a child , parents and other kids through maybe the 4th and perhaps early into 5th grade. That makes me, 10-11 years old-ish. After that, the feeling of being wrong or to blame has been a core feeling motivating my every decision and thought.

I think this is the number one thing that may have ever held me back if anything did. yes, making the wrong decision. Doing something not right. Being wrong. being bad. being ugly. being not wanted. being not the best. being not capable. being not wildly successful from the start. doing something with undoable consequences. my mind never goes directly to wow, I did that great. or yes, my ass is soft and mushy right now but thats sexy. but if it was someone else who thought that about their ass,  i would vehemently argue their ever curvy lusciousness. so whats the problem? why when I look in the mirror, all is see are he lines in my face? why do I not like them and sneer at other girls who come near my husband?

these are not the questions to ask. the questions to ask are why dont you celebrate yourself and not concern with anyone else at all? Why feel less? its a waste. confidence when its not what you want it to be? its called fuck it and rely on your instinct.

ive made time over the next week for what I want  more of: danae, joe, writing and the arts. looks like we have pex weekend to ourselves which may be nice. i think its time for bed. i feel February will be red as i move forward with exploration of voice and expression.

November 2, 2010

Halloween: vampire sluts and nympho zombies

Filed under: costumes, halloween — Tags: — Kim Pacini @ 1:12 am

Halloween is one fine and fantastic opportunity to bear witness to the alter self, the fantasy self stepped in to and teased out a little bit.  This is one day to dress however you want – imagination, wit, guts, gore, glitter, drama, sexy and anything other than who you are on a daily basis encouraged. How spectacular. Here, we also get  a reflection of what is going on in the world:  this year’s culture personified are definitely going to include Chilean Miners, Old Spice Guys  and a few Antionnes of YouTube fame.  There is also a whole lot of sexy in this holiday and my guess would be because people who otherwise do not indulge have the green light to strut their stuff and shake that ass and I gotta tell you, I’m all for it. This is role playing and boundary stretching at its most benign and culturally approved way..nothing more enticing and whirling to the fun loving observationist on a quest for consciousness evolving that I am.

I was recently in a conversation about costumes and the sexiness of all the women’s costumes and that the patriarchy is to be held responsible for the stripperfication of the Halloween costume. By its very nature patriarchy is an opportunistic beast and what better than a whole day  of women feeling bold to be a little daring and flirt with their bad selves to interject some objectification of the female form.  However, the increased sexiness levels on this day do not have to fall to this repugnant  association between bad feelings and sexiness. Halloween is a reason to have a good time while stepping out for a second.

The patriarchy is responsible for women feeling bad in their sex appeal; it created norms of beauty that are anything but and women spend billions in measurable money and energy to reach those norms. Those of us who like the sexy feeling should revel in that shit and wear the the mini Dorthy costume, the slinky Elvira or the go maybe check out rubber Minimouse. I know I’ll even see a good amount of men in drag (“costumes”), getting in touch with their feminine side. I say, be a sexy anything if that’s your flavor and feel good in it. To do anything less would be patriarchal and thats down right scary.

October 17, 2010

Rolling Around In It

Filed under: writer, writing — Tags: , — Kim Pacini @ 2:06 am

Writing for the sake of writing -painting with words is the one thing I have done instinctually since as long as I can recall. When I daydream of a divine existence it involves being in inspiring scenery while immersing myself in stories, vision and words. Writing is my constant and I love it with an adoration that makes me want to roll around in it naked.

 

October 3, 2010

creativity flowing

Filed under: balance, evolution, parenting, revelation, writing — Kim Pacini @ 2:35 am

what a fucking time. everything is lighting up. ideas are unfolding. the image of a creature, running at top speed through the brush of a forrest, heaving deeply feeling whatever is in the rushing air through every cell of her running body; that whatever becoming what she is running to.  Interesting that I have taken to running lately. I cant get enough of it.

listen to the apparent. running. writing. lights. parenting. family. land. home. what comes from you? What do you have to do? the answer to that is the answer to what to do.

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