tonight my husband and i were talking over my frustration at the way things are..that working part time and taking care of my family while my husband travels for weeks at a time to make a living. My issue being that I get the hours of 9-12pm to do anything I need or want done: getting ready for the next day, working out, looking for job while making a career change, taking care of my family and our ongoing needs. This condensed list alone makes it seem ridiculous. I see two sides of the ridiculousness: am i nuts for complaining – take the 2-3 hours, eat well and take it. Or thats a crazy way to live. In any event, something needs to change: a paradigm shift, quitting my job or some reorganizing that lets me make strides in an area. I need more time to get ahead.
This is effecting my happiness.
So how do I handle this? What do I want? I want a break. I want to have room to breathe. I want to be able to lead a creative life. Maybe I need to let go of any connection to the future and direction and need to be happy for what we have. What makes me happy every day:
I can go from feeling on top of the world to pissed off and sad within a day. Is true I feel burnt out a bit and tired. Its also true that I dont like that as an excuse to live happy. The truth is we are making some money, paying some bills and for that I am very grateful. I have love which is immeasurable. When its listed this way, I see I have nothing to complain of. But then I want something more in terms of quality of life: I want to enjoy everything I do and I want to do it all well – I feel that is not the case but that I could be better at everything if I was able to give all my talents to it. I could be a better Mom, I could be a powerful career girl, I could be a great writer. I want to be with Danae all the time, I want to take care of my family all of time by making the house warm, of advancing our direction out of here, I want to do yoga 3 times a week and run another. I want to write, write write. My life now seems squeezed and often anxious. What do I need to heal from?
Its a dream but I suddenly feel its wrong to have a dream past the heaven of Joe and Danae’s love. It needs to not be so forced.