mama hips

May 27, 2010

35

Im 35 today. Today, I read a breathtaking account of a life’s activities in From the Teeth of Angels and it says something about how we are born knowing everything and when we come outside we become detached and thats the start of it all. Maybe that’s why I like birthdays, a day when I feel on top of the world, at my best, open to celebrate, nothing matters too much, attractive because I am all that matters and I feel good: the way one feels when they are totally connected. The way we felt on the day we were born.

Today, I felt the presence of being blessed.

35 has been a simple day. To say nothing special happened would be to discredit that which happens everyday around here as not being special which is ridiculous. I felt so much joy today..a new dress – a short! dress. I havent wore that hemline in a little while and settled into it the way a sway settles into your whole body when you feel a motown song: familiar and right and good and sexy. I have been the recipient of a ton of well wishes from all over my life. I had general tso’s tofu  for the first time and Joe made me the best tacos I’ve ever had while I played outside with Danaë and her girlfriends Taylor (5) and Sharea (9). My husband and daughter gave me so much love and I am elated to know it will be there tomorrow and the next day and the next. This is my everyday, pretty much. A fantastic place to be and that what 35 is all about.

In this year, I have earned my womanly body with hips that have expanded after bearing a child.

This year, something shifted and I was no longer scared, when the fear passed I was calm and filled with the most natural and elated feeling that I all I want to do it be with Danaë. That taking care of my family is delight like no other.

To make it to 35, I battled some demons and slayed some dragons. Their presence had been there for all of my life; they were the strongest and last to go of a certain set of beliefs I had formulated somewhere along the line. Fear, fear and more fear. See ya suckas! Now that they are gone, I can sit still and listen to what I know is going on. I’m not distracted by a ferocious lion demon with green dragon scales.

I thought 35 was something that would have a nostalgic impact, a wish for something younger. I am pleased, albeit a little surprised, to  say that is not the case at all. the goddess refuses to feel something so trivial.

I see it this way: I thought I wanted to eat more vegetables and all of the sudden I realize I am eating tofu broccoli sugar snap biting sweet delicious vegetable soup for lunch, cashews for snacks, and sweet potatoes for dinner.  It just happened. I thought I wanted more ritual in my life and have brought yule into our family’s traditions while writing the annual birthday ritual. I have excelled at yoga and have started our emergency fund.

As Miss Penny Lane says, its all happening.

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May 18, 2010

Can a mama have it all?

Filed under: Uncategorized — Tags: , , , , , , , , , , — Kim Pacini @ 2:32 am

To write or not write? Or rather to sleep or push it off a liitle longer? There are so many hours in a day and there’s some shit going on. I feel time crunching and focus a requirement and with that a certain pressure that’s making me squinty and loosing the feeling of the flow that keeps me languid and lucid.

Every minute feels like a negotiation of priorites to determine how that minute is best spent. It’s driving me a little batty- I feel myself squashing others hopes and optimisms if they don’t sound feasible. Always thinking in terms if outcomes. I’m going to be honest and say that I don’t know if existing in the mental space I do is the best thing for me. Huh, that’s a new one. If that’s true, then now what?

Right now, at 10:43 pm, I’m predicting my future exhaustion against how important it is that I keep writing. I could also be putting together danae’s food for tomorrow which is gonna bite me in the ass. I could be fucking off online. I could be uploading photographs.

I want to be the fully engaged, house eclecticly decorated, delicious natural cook, herbalist, ritual brilliant entrepeneur red headed pin up girl style mama that writes with magnificent wit and sexy smart charm.

Three hours last night made all the difference and so I know that is where I want to be. The creative, the open ended, the bold and bright, 2 homes or 1 with a boat load of travel. The obstacle of time. I feel it’s a construct I want to alleviate, much like money; they are dirty partners in a deal for my sunshine and happiness. But no alleviation so I must master but with each level of education I get knowledge but no results so WTF?

Now my head hurts. Sleep’s time. I feel this isn’t what I wanted to write and there’s something underneath but I go to this because it’s familiar. Ive been feeling that for a while and have no idea what it is. Ok, now sleepy. Going to fall asleep a little cleaner, listening to the city sounds.

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