mama hips

January 27, 2011

resistance is futile

Filed under: Uncategorized — Kim Pacini @ 4:42 am

if i have learned one thing that I keep learning over and over is tat resistance is futile. what is meant to be, is going to happen and if I take a deep breathe and appreciate the unfolding it may a very wonderful process.

write about what I love. pex. be the writer for pex. I like that.

i haven’t written in while as all its been happening. i guess thats it, i guess, now thar I look at it, there has been a lot of making it happen. I took a great breath the other day; on the the inhale I took in the surrounding of my dining room nestled in the middle of my house where my husband of 5 years and I were eating dinner with the daughter we created two years ago. hes waiting for a call to go work anywhere in the country and I am settling into a vocal and trusting of the self confidence. what will be? where will I land or rather discover along the way.

ive resigned myself to it not being a question of landing but rather of self definition and listening to whats guiding. my life is in a bit of pulling and stretching as i take the straddling step between what is and what i want to be. the way I know I am making the right decisions is that whatever choices i am making are exciting me. resonating. all of the sudden, i find myself wanting to make time for the gym and running. I have an appointment with a holistic doctor and as of now, have no hangups about money.   This is where I am today.

I have always felt that I was wrong. making excuses for shortcomings or failures before recognizing successes. This is so inherent that I see it as core tube of energy that is in the middle of many reflections I have. I know it wasnt always there, I remeber feeling free and happy and perfectly loved and accepted as a child , parents and other kids through maybe the 4th and perhaps early into 5th grade. That makes me, 10-11 years old-ish. After that, the feeling of being wrong or to blame has been a core feeling motivating my every decision and thought.

I think this is the number one thing that may have ever held me back if anything did. yes, making the wrong decision. Doing something not right. Being wrong. being bad. being ugly. being not wanted. being not the best. being not capable. being not wildly successful from the start. doing something with undoable consequences. my mind never goes directly to wow, I did that great. or yes, my ass is soft and mushy right now but thats sexy. but if it was someone else who thought that about their ass,  i would vehemently argue their ever curvy lusciousness. so whats the problem? why when I look in the mirror, all is see are he lines in my face? why do I not like them and sneer at other girls who come near my husband?

these are not the questions to ask. the questions to ask are why dont you celebrate yourself and not concern with anyone else at all? Why feel less? its a waste. confidence when its not what you want it to be? its called fuck it and rely on your instinct.

ive made time over the next week for what I want  more of: danae, joe, writing and the arts. looks like we have pex weekend to ourselves which may be nice. i think its time for bed. i feel February will be red as i move forward with exploration of voice and expression.

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