mama hips

June 6, 2011

Car ride epiphany: Motherhood

On the way home today, I was yet again reminded of strength of connection after having the scariest experiences ever when my daughter explored past her toddler limits. She is fine and nothing happened but we were both traumatized by the fear I felt. It was a lesson in trust, a lesson in the ways boundaries will be tested in the lengths of my daughters spirit of exploration. Her development is so quick, her impulses so genuine  fierce determination in everything  she does. epiphany

I had a car ride home to not think about it and relax and what I got from it was a lesson in self reliance as a mother. I am shifting my life to let me spend more time with Danaë as being with her is the place I resonate the strongest and want to be. Not ever including mother as something I wanted to be when I grew up, this phase of my life evolved from a uterus driven impulse I could not ignore  -that it was time to make a baby. I have no training for this, no pre-expressed desire or research to substantiate; no preparation no articulation of the goal. I am scared of not doing well, of causing unintended harm due to my lack of awareness, education or ability.

As I drove home, I remembered she is safe, sleeping sweetly in the backseat as I drove us home.  I connected to everything we did this weekend and what we do every day. What I do for Danaë everyday:  kissing, tickling, feeding, teaching, cleaning, involving, exposing, guiding, shaping and loving – packing snacks, going down slides, rolling in the grass, giving baths, holding her hand to fall asleep. I thought of the car packed with our weekend supplies, the fun we had at the zoo and the tons of love she had with her grandparents all weekend long and I feel like superwoman.

On the PA Expressway, driving into the night, I realized I do have the ability to do this well (as my mother pointed out) as evidenced in the sweet, smart, kind, compassionate, inquisitive, vocal, imaginative, loving, independent little girl we are raising.

Self reliance is nothing I can be worried about any longer because we and she is fucking brilliant. We’re perfect for one another as we evolve together into who we truly are.

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