mama hips

July 21, 2010

Estrogen The Mighty

Filed under: balance, energies, feminism, feminist mama, parenting, transformation, working mom — Tags: , , , , , — Kim Pacini @ 12:10 pm

The scope of the world tightens and everything grand and luscious feels like it’s out there, far far away. A big shiny opulescent big titted bird swoops down on me and with those big lady talons she’s got me. And there she is- Estrogen the Mighty has returned. Ravenous, graceful bitch.

It doesn’t seem right to me that the hormone that makes women, women- the sugar sauce that has everything to do with our lovely ovaries and bulbous breasts is one that produces the most agitated state of feminine grace. Could this be another conspiracy of the elusive patriarchy to make us think we are helpless to bursts of maddness? I smell a rat in three piece suit.

So, ladies tell me: how can we channel the fury of our biological thunder to conquer the world?

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July 5, 2010

Festival Lightshow

Filed under: balance, consciousness, feminist mama, freedom, hips, transformation, Uncategorized — Kim Pacini @ 5:26 am

I’ve been listening to the night, the vibrating harmony of buzzes, chirps, crickets. With the most fantastic lightshow ahead of me. The shadows of the trees across the field create the blackest curtain, the fireflies butts aglow to make a light curtain that reveals the inspiration for the fiberoptic version.

Sitting here in the woods, my cub sleeping something sweet and my hubby making lights in the pavilion, I have finally resolved and understood my draw to do many things and develop many ideas. The music in my heart swelled and soared as I began to understand that I need multiple experiences or projects to serve the outlets for the different perspectives I have. In that resolve came the freedom to love what I love because it makes sense now. Everything makes sense in my truth.

Leading to an interweaving of ideas to create a great mane of texture and color into my path. I wasn’t meant to be stationary and cannot learn from being in the same place for long. I have to move so that I can develop the ideas that are constantly leaping in front of me, they require action. Great things can come from my action.

The hair! The beautiful hair my dream of me painting an enormous canvas. My hair was red with streaks of gold and platinum. It was full with some dreads and ribbons weaved throughout. Definitely curls and waves. Oh I love it!

June 15, 2010

Dirty and and tired and loving every second of it.

Just when I think I’ve got this, I don’t. Just when I step out a little on either side to fill in the space I I know I can reach I reach it alright but there is a whole new feeling of discomfort there. Same cycle; I just went from the tense phase to the bugging our stage and now am in the what the fuck stage. Dirty and and tired and loving every second of it.

It’s 8 o’clock at night, I just put Danaë to bed. I am writing this post in the kitchen having just finished packaging tomorrow’s breakfast and lunch for all of us, iPhone in hand to give existence to the flow of words in my head.

Five minutes prior to this, I was living the scene in my movie where I standing in my kitchen at the end of the day, romanced by Ann Peebles in my hips when the music swells compelling me to stop take a deep breath, put my hands over head and let all the exasperation out. The sound of the lady blues: I’m doing what mother after mother after mother has done; work at taking care of their babies. For all of us, its work on some level and for most of us we have had the moment when all we can do is sigh and know its all alright and that bed isn’t too far off.

Fucking hell today took a lot of effort. At one point, I literally didn’t think I could handle another second of exerting energy. Physically drawn to walking out and going to sleep, unable to put a cranky, over awake child to sleep and feeling like I have lost my mom superpowers. But I didn’t, and she went to sleep happy and I got a shower and here I am, clean and tired and leaning on the kitchen counter stealing a moment to write and can’t wait to get to sleep with my love.

June 12, 2010

horscope said it was ok to be a narcissist this week

So Rob Brezny, astrologer to this pagan goddess explains my horoscope this week as:

“If you have long conversations with the image in the mirror this week, I won’t call you a megalomaniacal narcissist. Nor will I make fun of you if you paint 15 self-portraits, or google yourself obsessively, or fill an entire notebook with answers to the question “Who am I, anyway?” In my astrological opinion, this is an excellent time for you to pursue nosy explorations into the mysteries of your core identity. You have cosmic permission to think about yourself with an intensity you might normally devote to a charismatic idol you’re infatuated with.”

I find this timely as I am not sure what the hell I am doing, professionally speaking. I know I want to be in business for myself. I know I want to write.

Am I writer? I can say with some sense of emphatically, yes. After all these years, writing has been a constant activity. So what do I want to do about it. I want to write a book and open a program for girls. Easy enough. So, why don’t I go right to there and stop wasting my time looking to do anything other than that? Well, the thing is that I feel that it is going to happen and so I am not all that concerned about it – my question is to how to get there thoughtfully and in a way that is healthy for us. My first priority is getting money in the door and opening up our lives to allow for scheduling, that is time together, that fits our schedules. Maybe that’s why I’m not bugging out – as much as I want change to happen, I know it is happening at rate that is best for us.

I know all these things I want:

I want this blog to be well developed and thought out and to serve its purpose and marketed with clever mastery of marketing channels and have a community of feminists that begin to bridge a new reality by connecting trough the ways they have made their own choices.  I want to foster that change. I see the goddess coming out strong from me these days, in ways I have never seen before but only stood in awe of. At times, I have caught myself in a window or mirror and am so impressed by what I see looking back. Its in this state, I know I can do anything and I am riding on that most of these days.

I know I have a book in me but I need some direction. Some clear guidance. Should it be about me or of another character. What form would be the best way to present the information? What does one need to be writer? how do I develop my craft? I honsetly feel its as easy an editor. strange.

I would love a selection of wines and good clothing. All sustainable and designed by Sarah. and Betsy Johnson.

I would love land and a garden and flowers and I would love to spend days in it; taking  care of it. I would like a fire pit and a deck an hot tub. I want to sit under the stars every night.I want Danaë to run.

I want to be near the water.

I want to have fun.

Baby is stirring….love.

May 27, 2010

35

Im 35 today. Today, I read a breathtaking account of a life’s activities in From the Teeth of Angels and it says something about how we are born knowing everything and when we come outside we become detached and thats the start of it all. Maybe that’s why I like birthdays, a day when I feel on top of the world, at my best, open to celebrate, nothing matters too much, attractive because I am all that matters and I feel good: the way one feels when they are totally connected. The way we felt on the day we were born.

Today, I felt the presence of being blessed.

35 has been a simple day. To say nothing special happened would be to discredit that which happens everyday around here as not being special which is ridiculous. I felt so much joy today..a new dress – a short! dress. I havent wore that hemline in a little while and settled into it the way a sway settles into your whole body when you feel a motown song: familiar and right and good and sexy. I have been the recipient of a ton of well wishes from all over my life. I had general tso’s tofu  for the first time and Joe made me the best tacos I’ve ever had while I played outside with Danaë and her girlfriends Taylor (5) and Sharea (9). My husband and daughter gave me so much love and I am elated to know it will be there tomorrow and the next day and the next. This is my everyday, pretty much. A fantastic place to be and that what 35 is all about.

In this year, I have earned my womanly body with hips that have expanded after bearing a child.

This year, something shifted and I was no longer scared, when the fear passed I was calm and filled with the most natural and elated feeling that I all I want to do it be with Danaë. That taking care of my family is delight like no other.

To make it to 35, I battled some demons and slayed some dragons. Their presence had been there for all of my life; they were the strongest and last to go of a certain set of beliefs I had formulated somewhere along the line. Fear, fear and more fear. See ya suckas! Now that they are gone, I can sit still and listen to what I know is going on. I’m not distracted by a ferocious lion demon with green dragon scales.

I thought 35 was something that would have a nostalgic impact, a wish for something younger. I am pleased, albeit a little surprised, to  say that is not the case at all. the goddess refuses to feel something so trivial.

I see it this way: I thought I wanted to eat more vegetables and all of the sudden I realize I am eating tofu broccoli sugar snap biting sweet delicious vegetable soup for lunch, cashews for snacks, and sweet potatoes for dinner.  It just happened. I thought I wanted more ritual in my life and have brought yule into our family’s traditions while writing the annual birthday ritual. I have excelled at yoga and have started our emergency fund.

As Miss Penny Lane says, its all happening.

March 20, 2010

Sleeping Baby

Tonight, the position my daughter fell asleep on me was the sweetest ever. I think that every night. There is simple resonance when I am with her. She makes me so happy. It’s amazing to what degree life has changed.  I had no idea it could or would. I could not understand the difference and I  can understand when people who see this and think they don’t want their life to change. I felt the same way. What they don’t understand is how life is better; how it has changed because what was needed to evolve.

Evolution is not a bad thing, nor is change. Neither is nutella and strawberries which I am eating right now. This kind of change lets you let go to what does not matter and live by what does. In that, there is freedom and in freedom there is room for all sorts of creative, inspired powerful good sumptuous, sexy hips moving opportunity. BECAUSE, you are free to not care about anything that doesn’t matter. You are too busy. You are too high on the laughter and kisses. You are too consumed with her every movement and sometimes your experience of it.

It’s a ridiculous place to be. I feel that I have started to be swept up on a wave. That its caught me up and I’m gliding on top of it, on it, as it, fluid and part of it. And so what the hell. The momentum feels right and we are happy. It’s okay because I know that regardless of what happens, that every night I have her sleeping on me and really, that’s all that matters.

December 9, 2009

the pagan and the ritual

i love the earth, believe in energies and properties and vibrations and the goddess and the great balance and that we are all of the same thing. the presence of my daughter has increased my connection to my intentions, making them very present in my voice and actions. as such, christmas is in direct conflict with my (and my sweet lovin husband’s) direct beliefs. when I asked if we should bring her to see santa, he looked at me like I had 20 heads. all of the sudden, the idea of creating traditions with meanings strong enough to resonate with her past the commercial fat man and presents hype seemed overwhelming. how will i create a well adjusted child that doesnt believe in santa? does she have to not believe in him? how can we teach her that a shit ton of presents is excessive when we all know that grandparents exist to spoil their grandchildren and who am i to deny them of that? i am all for volunteering and think the easy excuse to volunteer at xmas time only is lame and insulting to participate in. i really dont want my daughter to be the kid on the playground that gives santa up to the other kids, crushing xmas and leading to many angry parent phone calls. I want to practice what we practice and be left alone. whats a pagan mom to do?

I have some issues with christmas. Im not into presents for everyone. Im not into formal meals. Im not into lying to my kid. im certainly not into malls and shopping. im really not into santas. I am into spending the day with family and traditions that make it a special day. This is where winter solstice resonates nicely. I love the idea of decorating my house with symbols that tell the story of rebirth and invite the right energies to promote celebration of the light. i do have a thing for the nutcracker  – my grandmother used to take me every year to see the story put on by a local community or highschool drama group.

when talking about the holiday plans this year, I realized I have graduated beyond not liking them because they are perversions of deeper meaning to getting a little excited about creating a space for good feelings and honoring those deeper connections for all of us. we can make the season our own. we do not have to give a ton of presents. instead, we can give one thats made or something like that. we can make the activity season long and let others have their christmas. maybe we do give it to grandparents.

breaking the cycle my friends! here it is again.  make it your own. you dont have to shop or you  can assign value your shopping so it benefits someone else. the commercialism and removal or cutesifying of the earth based elements to the season is gross. its cheap. its a hugely profitable attempt to replace the goddess with a system of values that inspire for the wrong reasons. its not the most wonderful time of the year. if you lived your life balanced then you would be intune that acclaimed magic that everyone talks about througout the year.

bring the goddess back to the solstice season. thats whats feminist. Id love to hear what you and your families do to apply their progressive parenting and lifeliving to the holiday season…please post away what brilliant, heartwarming and genuine traditions you have to the solstice season.

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