mama hips

June 6, 2011

Car ride epiphany: Motherhood

On the way home today, I was yet again reminded of strength of connection after having the scariest experiences ever when my daughter explored past her toddler limits. She is fine and nothing happened but we were both traumatized by the fear I felt. It was a lesson in trust, a lesson in the ways boundaries will be tested in the lengths of my daughters spirit of exploration. Her development is so quick, her impulses so genuine  fierce determination in everything  she does. epiphany

I had a car ride home to not think about it and relax and what I got from it was a lesson in self reliance as a mother. I am shifting my life to let me spend more time with Danaë as being with her is the place I resonate the strongest and want to be. Not ever including mother as something I wanted to be when I grew up, this phase of my life evolved from a uterus driven impulse I could not ignore  -that it was time to make a baby. I have no training for this, no pre-expressed desire or research to substantiate; no preparation no articulation of the goal. I am scared of not doing well, of causing unintended harm due to my lack of awareness, education or ability.

As I drove home, I remembered she is safe, sleeping sweetly in the backseat as I drove us home.  I connected to everything we did this weekend and what we do every day. What I do for Danaë everyday:  kissing, tickling, feeding, teaching, cleaning, involving, exposing, guiding, shaping and loving – packing snacks, going down slides, rolling in the grass, giving baths, holding her hand to fall asleep. I thought of the car packed with our weekend supplies, the fun we had at the zoo and the tons of love she had with her grandparents all weekend long and I feel like superwoman.

On the PA Expressway, driving into the night, I realized I do have the ability to do this well (as my mother pointed out) as evidenced in the sweet, smart, kind, compassionate, inquisitive, vocal, imaginative, loving, independent little girl we are raising.

Self reliance is nothing I can be worried about any longer because we and she is fucking brilliant. We’re perfect for one another as we evolve together into who we truly are.

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July 27, 2010

Choice

Filed under: candles, freedom, mama, parenting, toddler, working mom — Tags: , , , , , , , — Kim Pacini @ 12:17 pm

On the 23; a panorama of the city in my peripheral as I write gently coming down from gorgeous vacation in rhode island. I emphasize gently because it was headed to the jagged as I felt my insides twist and turn as I got ready for work.  I started to feel pigeonholed into a life that is not taking place on the beach, surrounded by family, laughing and close all the time. In a quick minute, I was focused on depleted income, my lack of time with Danae when my cousin doesn’t have to do that and I wasn’t going to the pex party next week. I know I needed intervention to cut this weed in my magic garden. I consulted with Joe who said 1) can you focus on what has to get done now and not worry about whatever is happening? and 2) something about choices we have made. These concepts are interconnected.

I started rolling the words “happiness”, “choices” and “today” around in the entangled vine of bad thoughts and individual strands started to separate. What I got was that I chose this life. Every single piece of it is a choice. And what we are doing and building is a choice. And for that matter, being happy is a choice. Check the box on all of them and see what the fuck can really happen: the twisted weeds no longer have a strangling grip and in it’s place are some crazy wicked forms of life are thriving.

June 15, 2010

Dirty and and tired and loving every second of it.

Just when I think I’ve got this, I don’t. Just when I step out a little on either side to fill in the space I I know I can reach I reach it alright but there is a whole new feeling of discomfort there. Same cycle; I just went from the tense phase to the bugging our stage and now am in the what the fuck stage. Dirty and and tired and loving every second of it.

It’s 8 o’clock at night, I just put Danaë to bed. I am writing this post in the kitchen having just finished packaging tomorrow’s breakfast and lunch for all of us, iPhone in hand to give existence to the flow of words in my head.

Five minutes prior to this, I was living the scene in my movie where I standing in my kitchen at the end of the day, romanced by Ann Peebles in my hips when the music swells compelling me to stop take a deep breath, put my hands over head and let all the exasperation out. The sound of the lady blues: I’m doing what mother after mother after mother has done; work at taking care of their babies. For all of us, its work on some level and for most of us we have had the moment when all we can do is sigh and know its all alright and that bed isn’t too far off.

Fucking hell today took a lot of effort. At one point, I literally didn’t think I could handle another second of exerting energy. Physically drawn to walking out and going to sleep, unable to put a cranky, over awake child to sleep and feeling like I have lost my mom superpowers. But I didn’t, and she went to sleep happy and I got a shower and here I am, clean and tired and leaning on the kitchen counter stealing a moment to write and can’t wait to get to sleep with my love.

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