mama hips

June 6, 2011

Car ride epiphany: Motherhood

On the way home today, I was yet again reminded of strength of connection after having the scariest experiences ever when my daughter explored past her toddler limits. She is fine and nothing happened but we were both traumatized by the fear I felt. It was a lesson in trust, a lesson in the ways boundaries will be tested in the lengths of my daughters spirit of exploration. Her development is so quick, her impulses so genuine  fierce determination in everything  she does. epiphany

I had a car ride home to not think about it and relax and what I got from it was a lesson in self reliance as a mother. I am shifting my life to let me spend more time with Danaë as being with her is the place I resonate the strongest and want to be. Not ever including mother as something I wanted to be when I grew up, this phase of my life evolved from a uterus driven impulse I could not ignore  -that it was time to make a baby. I have no training for this, no pre-expressed desire or research to substantiate; no preparation no articulation of the goal. I am scared of not doing well, of causing unintended harm due to my lack of awareness, education or ability.

As I drove home, I remembered she is safe, sleeping sweetly in the backseat as I drove us home.  I connected to everything we did this weekend and what we do every day. What I do for Danaë everyday:  kissing, tickling, feeding, teaching, cleaning, involving, exposing, guiding, shaping and loving – packing snacks, going down slides, rolling in the grass, giving baths, holding her hand to fall asleep. I thought of the car packed with our weekend supplies, the fun we had at the zoo and the tons of love she had with her grandparents all weekend long and I feel like superwoman.

On the PA Expressway, driving into the night, I realized I do have the ability to do this well (as my mother pointed out) as evidenced in the sweet, smart, kind, compassionate, inquisitive, vocal, imaginative, loving, independent little girl we are raising.

Self reliance is nothing I can be worried about any longer because we and she is fucking brilliant. We’re perfect for one another as we evolve together into who we truly are.

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May 3, 2011

Miguel Migs Colorful You

Filed under: Music, transformation, writing — Tags: , , , — Kim Pacini @ 3:09 am

Right now, I’m listening to Miguel Migs’ Colorful You album. I was introduced to this album when I met my husband, when I was living with my best friend Elmo.  I was twenty seven years old and new things about my ability to thrive on my own were being revealed as I fell magnificently in love with Joe. Mindiscs, camel cigarettes and the Enders Game series are what warm my chakras from this time.

A year or so later, the album reappeared as a frequent listen as I power walked the South Philly neighborhood I lived in when I moved in with Joe. Cut off shorts and a Tshirt, I’d haul my ass past pizza joints, churches, old men on the stoop and hardware stores. Surrender is the jam from then.   Release your love. Come on, how can you not love that when yer striding  and keepin it fit?

The track Soulvibe reminds me of  that first Winter when I had Danae. I would strut throughout my house to this album, my little one strapped to me in the Bijorn as I lifted my legs and spun and twirled my arms around keeping her madly entertained as I danced my way through the winter with a newborn baby. Our bodies become one. I’ve got to touch your soulvibe. Those are some great lyrics to a groovy little beat. Those times were snow and intense, new love.

So it seems that this album’s number is called in the jukebox that houses my life soundtrack during times of rather significant transformation. I like it so much  that when there is nothing left to do but enjoy the moment I return to it to help me do that. As a matter of fact, that is the reason I  chose to listen to it tonight. The sentence, “write about what you love” has been floating across my open eyes these days so tonight, this album was put on without thinking about it and what resulted was a really fantastic thread of connecting to times of the most brilliant transformation.

Gotta love music. Gotta love deep house sexy loungy groovy funky music.

August 8, 2010

skipping the party

Tonight, for the first time that I can remember, I am skipping the party. I really wanted to go but when it came down to it, I had a voice that said otherwise. It is a decision that is culmination of a fucking intense week, here goes the rationale:

When I thought about it, the reasons I was telling myself all week for going to the party were ego driven: proof that I can do it all, that I have “it”, engaged and loving mama by day pillar of groove and coolness by night, that even in hard times I can celebrate. I looked to the inspiration of the fire of dancing and the high I get from the bright, big souls that come to the parties to explain how I could not miss this creative and magical party. I was proving something to myself. You know what else tho: this week, I had also been getting messages about experiencing the full experience (Rob Brezny’s Free Will Astrology) and fear of missing out we urbanites we have from Mark Morford @ the SF Gate mixed with a notion of the alternative life me and and about half of the world are now finding ourselves innovating from my fantastic fashionista.

I don’t know what is going on right now but I am very well aware that there are bigger levels it could come to, quickly. I have ran the through the options I am aware of and have accepted the probability they could happen. I then came to remember there is whole lifecycle of, well, a life which gave some perspective.

Within this perspective, I have been able to remove the emotion from the bigger levels and admitted that we have been swept up in the turbulence of a failing economy and fucked up times. Nothing is as we thought it would be so then, what is there?  The best way I know to discover the untapped pressure points of all things divine is to listen to the voice and do only that feels right. I did that tonight. I am here, writing this, listening and loving my husband madly and looking forward to the morning with Danae and feeling fine.

July 21, 2010

Estrogen The Mighty

Filed under: balance, energies, feminism, feminist mama, parenting, transformation, working mom — Tags: , , , , , — Kim Pacini @ 12:10 pm

The scope of the world tightens and everything grand and luscious feels like it’s out there, far far away. A big shiny opulescent big titted bird swoops down on me and with those big lady talons she’s got me. And there she is- Estrogen the Mighty has returned. Ravenous, graceful bitch.

It doesn’t seem right to me that the hormone that makes women, women- the sugar sauce that has everything to do with our lovely ovaries and bulbous breasts is one that produces the most agitated state of feminine grace. Could this be another conspiracy of the elusive patriarchy to make us think we are helpless to bursts of maddness? I smell a rat in three piece suit.

So, ladies tell me: how can we channel the fury of our biological thunder to conquer the world?

July 5, 2010

Festival Lightshow

Filed under: balance, consciousness, feminist mama, freedom, hips, transformation, Uncategorized — Kim Pacini @ 5:26 am

I’ve been listening to the night, the vibrating harmony of buzzes, chirps, crickets. With the most fantastic lightshow ahead of me. The shadows of the trees across the field create the blackest curtain, the fireflies butts aglow to make a light curtain that reveals the inspiration for the fiberoptic version.

Sitting here in the woods, my cub sleeping something sweet and my hubby making lights in the pavilion, I have finally resolved and understood my draw to do many things and develop many ideas. The music in my heart swelled and soared as I began to understand that I need multiple experiences or projects to serve the outlets for the different perspectives I have. In that resolve came the freedom to love what I love because it makes sense now. Everything makes sense in my truth.

Leading to an interweaving of ideas to create a great mane of texture and color into my path. I wasn’t meant to be stationary and cannot learn from being in the same place for long. I have to move so that I can develop the ideas that are constantly leaping in front of me, they require action. Great things can come from my action.

The hair! The beautiful hair my dream of me painting an enormous canvas. My hair was red with streaks of gold and platinum. It was full with some dreads and ribbons weaved throughout. Definitely curls and waves. Oh I love it!

June 12, 2010

horscope said it was ok to be a narcissist this week

So Rob Brezny, astrologer to this pagan goddess explains my horoscope this week as:

“If you have long conversations with the image in the mirror this week, I won’t call you a megalomaniacal narcissist. Nor will I make fun of you if you paint 15 self-portraits, or google yourself obsessively, or fill an entire notebook with answers to the question “Who am I, anyway?” In my astrological opinion, this is an excellent time for you to pursue nosy explorations into the mysteries of your core identity. You have cosmic permission to think about yourself with an intensity you might normally devote to a charismatic idol you’re infatuated with.”

I find this timely as I am not sure what the hell I am doing, professionally speaking. I know I want to be in business for myself. I know I want to write.

Am I writer? I can say with some sense of emphatically, yes. After all these years, writing has been a constant activity. So what do I want to do about it. I want to write a book and open a program for girls. Easy enough. So, why don’t I go right to there and stop wasting my time looking to do anything other than that? Well, the thing is that I feel that it is going to happen and so I am not all that concerned about it – my question is to how to get there thoughtfully and in a way that is healthy for us. My first priority is getting money in the door and opening up our lives to allow for scheduling, that is time together, that fits our schedules. Maybe that’s why I’m not bugging out – as much as I want change to happen, I know it is happening at rate that is best for us.

I know all these things I want:

I want this blog to be well developed and thought out and to serve its purpose and marketed with clever mastery of marketing channels and have a community of feminists that begin to bridge a new reality by connecting trough the ways they have made their own choices.  I want to foster that change. I see the goddess coming out strong from me these days, in ways I have never seen before but only stood in awe of. At times, I have caught myself in a window or mirror and am so impressed by what I see looking back. Its in this state, I know I can do anything and I am riding on that most of these days.

I know I have a book in me but I need some direction. Some clear guidance. Should it be about me or of another character. What form would be the best way to present the information? What does one need to be writer? how do I develop my craft? I honsetly feel its as easy an editor. strange.

I would love a selection of wines and good clothing. All sustainable and designed by Sarah. and Betsy Johnson.

I would love land and a garden and flowers and I would love to spend days in it; taking  care of it. I would like a fire pit and a deck an hot tub. I want to sit under the stars every night.I want Danaë to run.

I want to be near the water.

I want to have fun.

Baby is stirring….love.

May 27, 2010

35

Im 35 today. Today, I read a breathtaking account of a life’s activities in From the Teeth of Angels and it says something about how we are born knowing everything and when we come outside we become detached and thats the start of it all. Maybe that’s why I like birthdays, a day when I feel on top of the world, at my best, open to celebrate, nothing matters too much, attractive because I am all that matters and I feel good: the way one feels when they are totally connected. The way we felt on the day we were born.

Today, I felt the presence of being blessed.

35 has been a simple day. To say nothing special happened would be to discredit that which happens everyday around here as not being special which is ridiculous. I felt so much joy today..a new dress – a short! dress. I havent wore that hemline in a little while and settled into it the way a sway settles into your whole body when you feel a motown song: familiar and right and good and sexy. I have been the recipient of a ton of well wishes from all over my life. I had general tso’s tofu  for the first time and Joe made me the best tacos I’ve ever had while I played outside with Danaë and her girlfriends Taylor (5) and Sharea (9). My husband and daughter gave me so much love and I am elated to know it will be there tomorrow and the next day and the next. This is my everyday, pretty much. A fantastic place to be and that what 35 is all about.

In this year, I have earned my womanly body with hips that have expanded after bearing a child.

This year, something shifted and I was no longer scared, when the fear passed I was calm and filled with the most natural and elated feeling that I all I want to do it be with Danaë. That taking care of my family is delight like no other.

To make it to 35, I battled some demons and slayed some dragons. Their presence had been there for all of my life; they were the strongest and last to go of a certain set of beliefs I had formulated somewhere along the line. Fear, fear and more fear. See ya suckas! Now that they are gone, I can sit still and listen to what I know is going on. I’m not distracted by a ferocious lion demon with green dragon scales.

I thought 35 was something that would have a nostalgic impact, a wish for something younger. I am pleased, albeit a little surprised, to  say that is not the case at all. the goddess refuses to feel something so trivial.

I see it this way: I thought I wanted to eat more vegetables and all of the sudden I realize I am eating tofu broccoli sugar snap biting sweet delicious vegetable soup for lunch, cashews for snacks, and sweet potatoes for dinner.  It just happened. I thought I wanted more ritual in my life and have brought yule into our family’s traditions while writing the annual birthday ritual. I have excelled at yoga and have started our emergency fund.

As Miss Penny Lane says, its all happening.

March 20, 2010

Sleeping Baby

Tonight, the position my daughter fell asleep on me was the sweetest ever. I think that every night. There is simple resonance when I am with her. She makes me so happy. It’s amazing to what degree life has changed.  I had no idea it could or would. I could not understand the difference and I  can understand when people who see this and think they don’t want their life to change. I felt the same way. What they don’t understand is how life is better; how it has changed because what was needed to evolve.

Evolution is not a bad thing, nor is change. Neither is nutella and strawberries which I am eating right now. This kind of change lets you let go to what does not matter and live by what does. In that, there is freedom and in freedom there is room for all sorts of creative, inspired powerful good sumptuous, sexy hips moving opportunity. BECAUSE, you are free to not care about anything that doesn’t matter. You are too busy. You are too high on the laughter and kisses. You are too consumed with her every movement and sometimes your experience of it.

It’s a ridiculous place to be. I feel that I have started to be swept up on a wave. That its caught me up and I’m gliding on top of it, on it, as it, fluid and part of it. And so what the hell. The momentum feels right and we are happy. It’s okay because I know that regardless of what happens, that every night I have her sleeping on me and really, that’s all that matters.

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