mama hips

September 13, 2015

Redheaded Feminist

Filed under: Uncategorized — Kim Pacini @ 4:14 am

tonight, by the light of the moon lets discuss the new site. what it is will be and become

redheadedfeminist

family and feminism for the modern woman

Is a blog about all things feminist and family. cutlural academic and at times personal. my voice will be edgy

reheaded feminist is blog to build a connecting to point of  place where feminism and family intersect, which for me is just about every point. I want expanded definitions of family, creative education, every family dynamic we can think of and lots of feeling good

I have spent the last 20 years studying women. I have a BA in Womens Studies, I have counseled in abortion clinics, wore bullet proof vests to protect womens right to access healthcare. I have marched on Washington and protested in my home town during the 2008  Republican Convention. I  have raised millions of dollars for nonprofits working to make womens lives better. I am a mother. I am a wife, daughter and sister. My feminism is sexy, earthy, creative. Its grounded in self sufficiency.

I work in marketing. I write. I adore the blues. I dream of working directly via this blog to effect womens lives by expanding possiblity through connection. The the feminist parenting model is warrior in defense and proliferation of love and happiness as per the sensibilities of the woman. Viva la madre! Viva las senoras! Via la chica!

I

November 17, 2011

Happiness abound damnit

Filed under: Uncategorized — Kim Pacini @ 3:58 am

tonight my husband and i were talking over my frustration at the way things are..that working part time and taking care of my family while my husband travels for weeks at a time to make a living. My issue being that I get the hours of 9-12pm to do anything I need or want done: getting ready for the next day, working out, looking for job while making a career change, taking care of my family and our ongoing needs. This condensed list alone makes it seem ridiculous. I see two sides of the ridiculousness: am i nuts for complaining – take the 2-3 hours, eat well and take it. Or thats a crazy way to live. In any event, something needs to change: a paradigm shift, quitting my job or some reorganizing that lets me make strides in an area. I need more time to get ahead.

This is effecting my happiness.

So how do I handle this? What do I want? I want a break. I want to have room to breathe. I want to be able to lead a creative life. Maybe I need to let go of any connection to the future and direction and need to be happy for what we have. What makes me happy every day:
Joes face
Danaes face
flowers

I can go from feeling on top of the world to pissed off and sad within a day. Is true I feel burnt out a bit and tired. Its also true that I dont like that as an excuse to live happy. The truth is we are making some money, paying some bills and for that I am very grateful. I have love which is immeasurable. When its listed this way, I see I have nothing to complain of. But then I want something more in terms of quality of life: I want to enjoy everything I do and I want to do it all well – I feel that is not the case but that I could be better at everything if I was able to give all my talents to it. I could be a better Mom, I could be a powerful career girl, I could be a great writer. I want to be with Danae all the time, I want to take care of my family all of time by making the house warm, of advancing our direction out of here, I want to do yoga 3 times a week and run another. I want to write, write write. My life now seems squeezed and often anxious. What do I need to heal from?

Its a dream but I suddenly feel its wrong to have a dream past the heaven of Joe and Danae’s love. It needs to not be so forced.

June 6, 2011

Car ride epiphany: Motherhood

On the way home today, I was yet again reminded of strength of connection after having the scariest experiences ever when my daughter explored past her toddler limits. She is fine and nothing happened but we were both traumatized by the fear I felt. It was a lesson in trust, a lesson in the ways boundaries will be tested in the lengths of my daughters spirit of exploration. Her development is so quick, her impulses so genuine  fierce determination in everything  she does. epiphany

I had a car ride home to not think about it and relax and what I got from it was a lesson in self reliance as a mother. I am shifting my life to let me spend more time with Danaë as being with her is the place I resonate the strongest and want to be. Not ever including mother as something I wanted to be when I grew up, this phase of my life evolved from a uterus driven impulse I could not ignore  -that it was time to make a baby. I have no training for this, no pre-expressed desire or research to substantiate; no preparation no articulation of the goal. I am scared of not doing well, of causing unintended harm due to my lack of awareness, education or ability.

As I drove home, I remembered she is safe, sleeping sweetly in the backseat as I drove us home.  I connected to everything we did this weekend and what we do every day. What I do for Danaë everyday:  kissing, tickling, feeding, teaching, cleaning, involving, exposing, guiding, shaping and loving – packing snacks, going down slides, rolling in the grass, giving baths, holding her hand to fall asleep. I thought of the car packed with our weekend supplies, the fun we had at the zoo and the tons of love she had with her grandparents all weekend long and I feel like superwoman.

On the PA Expressway, driving into the night, I realized I do have the ability to do this well (as my mother pointed out) as evidenced in the sweet, smart, kind, compassionate, inquisitive, vocal, imaginative, loving, independent little girl we are raising.

Self reliance is nothing I can be worried about any longer because we and she is fucking brilliant. We’re perfect for one another as we evolve together into who we truly are.

May 21, 2011

36 approacheth

Filed under: Uncategorized — Kim Pacini @ 4:46 am

the people i surround myself with are so full of life, wishing nothing but the best for eachother, for me. they make me feel alive. they dont care what others think, they all have their shit. they are brilliantly creative and love immensely.

tonight, i begin to celebrate my 36th year. on the drive home, I remembered the critical points where I had the balls to do ridiculous things. where i walked away from something to keep to my integrity, when I took risks because why not and where I may have been scared, it never stopped me. now, at 36 when I have responsibility and another life to develop I see that I have let fear stand in some way.

life is full and fruitful and to live it as anything else is selling it short. I feel so happy.

April 2, 2011

The Business of Reinvention

Filed under: Uncategorized — Kim Pacini @ 3:22 am

The business of reinvention is one of constant checking in with yourself. I think that for best results, absorption in sources of inspiration is a tremendous benefit. That is where I am tonight, reminding myself of my whys, my story and the one I am driving the unfolding of.

Lately, there has been alot of thought on my part about acceptance of who I am. This is coming in several forms: listening to my instinct, articulating a career/life path based on desires, self-love. I am amazed at how much I talk myself out of my instincts. Its in the interest of making the best decisions for us so I think everything through to investigate that it is the most sound or right thing. That’s happens as far down as to what I get for lunch. My concern that this second guessing is standing in the way of strength in focus and mission.

Lets try and make a case for talking myself into stopping or at least seriously curtailing how this rather tired and tiring involved thought process. Right now, reinvention is happening all around: friends and family are creating existences of joy out of thin air by moving to exotic places, taking new jobs, quitting crappy jobs and taking vacations. I have been following a path of thought in the last two years that is accelerating in pace as I notice the first glimmer of the sun on the horizon. In the last few months I have come to realize this is about discovery. I feel its been since the new year where everything before it is in the past and the forms the existing elements in life had are being reintroduced or re assimilated even to build a more sound being.

I suffered a leg injury that resulted in my not exercising too much resulting in trying acupuncture for the first time and seeking a physical therapist in interest of strengthening so I can run again. I have rearranged my job to allow for a schedule I need to pursue other options. The scope of my other options has emerged to be something explosively beyond anything I was thinking a year ago. I literally grasp that anything is possible now. The proof of this is found in the people around me who believe in fabricating their own unique lives. It would be helpful to have mentors with kids to help out with this. Being able to do the best thing for Danaë is the primary factor and the ideas we are coming up with are so far removed from anything I ever knew that I don’t know if or how it works. Then again, that is how it is now. I grew up in the suburbs and am raising a daughter in a city: the grass is somewhere else, the smells are of people: restaurant kitchens, lunch carts, grime, coffeeshops, pizza, cheesesteaks, chinese, Halal food, soap stores, fabric softener, and staircase to public transportation and horse poop are scents of this city.  There is a constant hum of people and distinct hiss of the bus, our house attached to the other ones. Shes in care some days at an age way earlier than I was and her Dad is at times the primary care giver. These distinctions are part of an evolution, I see where the haphazard is anything but in the cosmic game.

My attention has been brought lately as well to where I can make adjustments to be more kick ass. Things like keeping my clothes organized, paying attention to what I am doing, making sure to follow through on ideas and projects. Along with this, balancing acceptance and the certain flow.

The gemini dual thing can be exhausting. No wonder I am tired.

Inspiration. Flow. Centered. Relaxed. Focused. Full. Accepting. Prosperous. Grateful.  Abundant. Confident being. Larger than self. It is working.

January 27, 2011

resistance is futile

Filed under: Uncategorized — Kim Pacini @ 4:42 am

if i have learned one thing that I keep learning over and over is tat resistance is futile. what is meant to be, is going to happen and if I take a deep breathe and appreciate the unfolding it may a very wonderful process.

write about what I love. pex. be the writer for pex. I like that.

i haven’t written in while as all its been happening. i guess thats it, i guess, now thar I look at it, there has been a lot of making it happen. I took a great breath the other day; on the the inhale I took in the surrounding of my dining room nestled in the middle of my house where my husband of 5 years and I were eating dinner with the daughter we created two years ago. hes waiting for a call to go work anywhere in the country and I am settling into a vocal and trusting of the self confidence. what will be? where will I land or rather discover along the way.

ive resigned myself to it not being a question of landing but rather of self definition and listening to whats guiding. my life is in a bit of pulling and stretching as i take the straddling step between what is and what i want to be. the way I know I am making the right decisions is that whatever choices i am making are exciting me. resonating. all of the sudden, i find myself wanting to make time for the gym and running. I have an appointment with a holistic doctor and as of now, have no hangups about money.   This is where I am today.

I have always felt that I was wrong. making excuses for shortcomings or failures before recognizing successes. This is so inherent that I see it as core tube of energy that is in the middle of many reflections I have. I know it wasnt always there, I remeber feeling free and happy and perfectly loved and accepted as a child , parents and other kids through maybe the 4th and perhaps early into 5th grade. That makes me, 10-11 years old-ish. After that, the feeling of being wrong or to blame has been a core feeling motivating my every decision and thought.

I think this is the number one thing that may have ever held me back if anything did. yes, making the wrong decision. Doing something not right. Being wrong. being bad. being ugly. being not wanted. being not the best. being not capable. being not wildly successful from the start. doing something with undoable consequences. my mind never goes directly to wow, I did that great. or yes, my ass is soft and mushy right now but thats sexy. but if it was someone else who thought that about their ass,  i would vehemently argue their ever curvy lusciousness. so whats the problem? why when I look in the mirror, all is see are he lines in my face? why do I not like them and sneer at other girls who come near my husband?

these are not the questions to ask. the questions to ask are why dont you celebrate yourself and not concern with anyone else at all? Why feel less? its a waste. confidence when its not what you want it to be? its called fuck it and rely on your instinct.

ive made time over the next week for what I want  more of: danae, joe, writing and the arts. looks like we have pex weekend to ourselves which may be nice. i think its time for bed. i feel February will be red as i move forward with exploration of voice and expression.

August 8, 2010

skipping the party

Tonight, for the first time that I can remember, I am skipping the party. I really wanted to go but when it came down to it, I had a voice that said otherwise. It is a decision that is culmination of a fucking intense week, here goes the rationale:

When I thought about it, the reasons I was telling myself all week for going to the party were ego driven: proof that I can do it all, that I have “it”, engaged and loving mama by day pillar of groove and coolness by night, that even in hard times I can celebrate. I looked to the inspiration of the fire of dancing and the high I get from the bright, big souls that come to the parties to explain how I could not miss this creative and magical party. I was proving something to myself. You know what else tho: this week, I had also been getting messages about experiencing the full experience (Rob Brezny’s Free Will Astrology) and fear of missing out we urbanites we have from Mark Morford @ the SF Gate mixed with a notion of the alternative life me and and about half of the world are now finding ourselves innovating from my fantastic fashionista.

I don’t know what is going on right now but I am very well aware that there are bigger levels it could come to, quickly. I have ran the through the options I am aware of and have accepted the probability they could happen. I then came to remember there is whole lifecycle of, well, a life which gave some perspective.

Within this perspective, I have been able to remove the emotion from the bigger levels and admitted that we have been swept up in the turbulence of a failing economy and fucked up times. Nothing is as we thought it would be so then, what is there?  The best way I know to discover the untapped pressure points of all things divine is to listen to the voice and do only that feels right. I did that tonight. I am here, writing this, listening and loving my husband madly and looking forward to the morning with Danae and feeling fine.

July 15, 2010

The Morning Commute

Sitting on the bus in my seat against the window, watching the the humanity I travel among every morning. Today, in the blue Septa seat sits a young mother in a burka taking her two boys to school, a bald and stately black man wearing a tan suit reading through a manilla file, an Asian woman I suppose is a nurse wearing scrubs and big ass rhinestone sunglasses mixed in with teenagers, babies, workers and addicts and me, all on our way somewhere. Moving. Intersecting. Together.

I miss Danae, it bothered me today to have to leave. I think about working like this for a few more years and get sad at the time I won’t have with her. I got jealous of Joe and the moms that watch my baby while they stay home with theirs. I got mad at their potty training abilities, mad at their photobooks time and the time they have to develop their children. Its not them, I know. Its me, I know.

I’m having a hard time with all things I didn’t want to happen, happening. Tv all the time, hotdogs, time apart to make more money. I feel that this whining is superficial and to some degree it is. I know what is best for us and what needs to happen. I know my cousins need our help. I know my family needs stability and income on order to live our dream and so then its okay and I am proud and excited by the potential and limitless possibilities that lie ahead.

Sitting on the bus, I wonder if these people know what I know and what their house might look like, their neighborhood or where they are going. Moving ahead or trudging along, being or fighting, breaking or perpetuating cycles. Why and what brought them to this bus ride. and that brings to me to why I am on this bus ride, thinking about these sorts of things.

July 5, 2010

Festival Lightshow

Filed under: balance, consciousness, feminist mama, freedom, hips, transformation, Uncategorized — Kim Pacini @ 5:26 am

I’ve been listening to the night, the vibrating harmony of buzzes, chirps, crickets. With the most fantastic lightshow ahead of me. The shadows of the trees across the field create the blackest curtain, the fireflies butts aglow to make a light curtain that reveals the inspiration for the fiberoptic version.

Sitting here in the woods, my cub sleeping something sweet and my hubby making lights in the pavilion, I have finally resolved and understood my draw to do many things and develop many ideas. The music in my heart swelled and soared as I began to understand that I need multiple experiences or projects to serve the outlets for the different perspectives I have. In that resolve came the freedom to love what I love because it makes sense now. Everything makes sense in my truth.

Leading to an interweaving of ideas to create a great mane of texture and color into my path. I wasn’t meant to be stationary and cannot learn from being in the same place for long. I have to move so that I can develop the ideas that are constantly leaping in front of me, they require action. Great things can come from my action.

The hair! The beautiful hair my dream of me painting an enormous canvas. My hair was red with streaks of gold and platinum. It was full with some dreads and ribbons weaved throughout. Definitely curls and waves. Oh I love it!

June 15, 2010

Live as a feminist

Filed under: Uncategorized — Kim Pacini @ 6:40 pm

I work for an organization i fell in love with when I learned about because what it does is transform. The collective act, the sense of feminism in mission and practice by the masses is to me something beautiful. its proof that we all promote the feminist ideal..sustainability through community, power in the individual thinking like part of a collective.

its practice carries with it power. power to transform is everything and we can do that my making choices. we can choose our actions with intent. we can give to an organization, we can volunteer, we can go for a walk for once and enjoy the magnanimous world we live in as the one we choose to be in, we can turn off the tv, we can kiss our baby, we can look at things as an observer and try to understand it with compassion, we can listen. seriously.

there is so much pain. wasted pain. pain due to money, due to being unable to provide, due to feeling inadequate due to someone eles’ feeling inadequate and so on. when someone is fucked up, ask why? and there is always some sort of answer. ask yourself why, why do you do what you do, why do yo feel that way, what is your reason. its called awareness and in it, is feminism.

feminism ‘s next step is to demand feminist practice. stop it. help a woman transform and save her family.

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