mama hips

June 12, 2010

horscope said it was ok to be a narcissist this week

So Rob Brezny, astrologer to this pagan goddess explains my horoscope this week as:

“If you have long conversations with the image in the mirror this week, I won’t call you a megalomaniacal narcissist. Nor will I make fun of you if you paint 15 self-portraits, or google yourself obsessively, or fill an entire notebook with answers to the question “Who am I, anyway?” In my astrological opinion, this is an excellent time for you to pursue nosy explorations into the mysteries of your core identity. You have cosmic permission to think about yourself with an intensity you might normally devote to a charismatic idol you’re infatuated with.”

I find this timely as I am not sure what the hell I am doing, professionally speaking. I know I want to be in business for myself. I know I want to write.

Am I writer? I can say with some sense of emphatically, yes. After all these years, writing has been a constant activity. So what do I want to do about it. I want to write a book and open a program for girls. Easy enough. So, why don’t I go right to there and stop wasting my time looking to do anything other than that? Well, the thing is that I feel that it is going to happen and so I am not all that concerned about it – my question is to how to get there thoughtfully and in a way that is healthy for us. My first priority is getting money in the door and opening up our lives to allow for scheduling, that is time together, that fits our schedules. Maybe that’s why I’m not bugging out – as much as I want change to happen, I know it is happening at rate that is best for us.

I know all these things I want:

I want this blog to be well developed and thought out and to serve its purpose and marketed with clever mastery of marketing channels and have a community of feminists that begin to bridge a new reality by connecting trough the ways they have made their own choices.  I want to foster that change. I see the goddess coming out strong from me these days, in ways I have never seen before but only stood in awe of. At times, I have caught myself in a window or mirror and am so impressed by what I see looking back. Its in this state, I know I can do anything and I am riding on that most of these days.

I know I have a book in me but I need some direction. Some clear guidance. Should it be about me or of another character. What form would be the best way to present the information? What does one need to be writer? how do I develop my craft? I honsetly feel its as easy an editor. strange.

I would love a selection of wines and good clothing. All sustainable and designed by Sarah. and Betsy Johnson.

I would love land and a garden and flowers and I would love to spend days in it; taking  care of it. I would like a fire pit and a deck an hot tub. I want to sit under the stars every night.I want Danaë to run.

I want to be near the water.

I want to have fun.

Baby is stirring….love.

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May 18, 2010

Can a mama have it all?

Filed under: Uncategorized — Tags: , , , , , , , , , , — Kim Pacini @ 2:32 am

To write or not write? Or rather to sleep or push it off a liitle longer? There are so many hours in a day and there’s some shit going on. I feel time crunching and focus a requirement and with that a certain pressure that’s making me squinty and loosing the feeling of the flow that keeps me languid and lucid.

Every minute feels like a negotiation of priorites to determine how that minute is best spent. It’s driving me a little batty- I feel myself squashing others hopes and optimisms if they don’t sound feasible. Always thinking in terms if outcomes. I’m going to be honest and say that I don’t know if existing in the mental space I do is the best thing for me. Huh, that’s a new one. If that’s true, then now what?

Right now, at 10:43 pm, I’m predicting my future exhaustion against how important it is that I keep writing. I could also be putting together danae’s food for tomorrow which is gonna bite me in the ass. I could be fucking off online. I could be uploading photographs.

I want to be the fully engaged, house eclecticly decorated, delicious natural cook, herbalist, ritual brilliant entrepeneur red headed pin up girl style mama that writes with magnificent wit and sexy smart charm.

Three hours last night made all the difference and so I know that is where I want to be. The creative, the open ended, the bold and bright, 2 homes or 1 with a boat load of travel. The obstacle of time. I feel it’s a construct I want to alleviate, much like money; they are dirty partners in a deal for my sunshine and happiness. But no alleviation so I must master but with each level of education I get knowledge but no results so WTF?

Now my head hurts. Sleep’s time. I feel this isn’t what I wanted to write and there’s something underneath but I go to this because it’s familiar. Ive been feeling that for a while and have no idea what it is. Ok, now sleepy. Going to fall asleep a little cleaner, listening to the city sounds.

March 20, 2010

Sleeping Baby

Tonight, the position my daughter fell asleep on me was the sweetest ever. I think that every night. There is simple resonance when I am with her. She makes me so happy. It’s amazing to what degree life has changed.  I had no idea it could or would. I could not understand the difference and I  can understand when people who see this and think they don’t want their life to change. I felt the same way. What they don’t understand is how life is better; how it has changed because what was needed to evolve.

Evolution is not a bad thing, nor is change. Neither is nutella and strawberries which I am eating right now. This kind of change lets you let go to what does not matter and live by what does. In that, there is freedom and in freedom there is room for all sorts of creative, inspired powerful good sumptuous, sexy hips moving opportunity. BECAUSE, you are free to not care about anything that doesn’t matter. You are too busy. You are too high on the laughter and kisses. You are too consumed with her every movement and sometimes your experience of it.

It’s a ridiculous place to be. I feel that I have started to be swept up on a wave. That its caught me up and I’m gliding on top of it, on it, as it, fluid and part of it. And so what the hell. The momentum feels right and we are happy. It’s okay because I know that regardless of what happens, that every night I have her sleeping on me and really, that’s all that matters.

February 13, 2010

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Filed under: Uncategorized — Kim Pacini @ 3:27 am

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