mama hips

October 3, 2010

creativity flowing

Filed under: balance, evolution, parenting, revelation, writing — Kim Pacini @ 2:35 am

what a fucking time. everything is lighting up. ideas are unfolding. the image of a creature, running at top speed through the brush of a forrest, heaving deeply feeling whatever is in the rushing air through every cell of her running body; that whatever becoming what she is running to.  Interesting that I have taken to running lately. I cant get enough of it.

listen to the apparent. running. writing. lights. parenting. family. land. home. what comes from you? What do you have to do? the answer to that is the answer to what to do.

August 8, 2010

skipping the party

Tonight, for the first time that I can remember, I am skipping the party. I really wanted to go but when it came down to it, I had a voice that said otherwise. It is a decision that is culmination of a fucking intense week, here goes the rationale:

When I thought about it, the reasons I was telling myself all week for going to the party were ego driven: proof that I can do it all, that I have “it”, engaged and loving mama by day pillar of groove and coolness by night, that even in hard times I can celebrate. I looked to the inspiration of the fire of dancing and the high I get from the bright, big souls that come to the parties to explain how I could not miss this creative and magical party. I was proving something to myself. You know what else tho: this week, I had also been getting messages about experiencing the full experience (Rob Brezny’s Free Will Astrology) and fear of missing out we urbanites we have from Mark Morford @ the SF Gate mixed with a notion of the alternative life me and and about half of the world are now finding ourselves innovating from my fantastic fashionista.

I don’t know what is going on right now but I am very well aware that there are bigger levels it could come to, quickly. I have ran the through the options I am aware of and have accepted the probability they could happen. I then came to remember there is whole lifecycle of, well, a life which gave some perspective.

Within this perspective, I have been able to remove the emotion from the bigger levels and admitted that we have been swept up in the turbulence of a failing economy and fucked up times. Nothing is as we thought it would be so then, what is there?  The best way I know to discover the untapped pressure points of all things divine is to listen to the voice and do only that feels right. I did that tonight. I am here, writing this, listening and loving my husband madly and looking forward to the morning with Danae and feeling fine.

July 27, 2010

Choice

Filed under: candles, freedom, mama, parenting, toddler, working mom — Tags: , , , , , , , — Kim Pacini @ 12:17 pm

On the 23; a panorama of the city in my peripheral as I write gently coming down from gorgeous vacation in rhode island. I emphasize gently because it was headed to the jagged as I felt my insides twist and turn as I got ready for work.  I started to feel pigeonholed into a life that is not taking place on the beach, surrounded by family, laughing and close all the time. In a quick minute, I was focused on depleted income, my lack of time with Danae when my cousin doesn’t have to do that and I wasn’t going to the pex party next week. I know I needed intervention to cut this weed in my magic garden. I consulted with Joe who said 1) can you focus on what has to get done now and not worry about whatever is happening? and 2) something about choices we have made. These concepts are interconnected.

I started rolling the words “happiness”, “choices” and “today” around in the entangled vine of bad thoughts and individual strands started to separate. What I got was that I chose this life. Every single piece of it is a choice. And what we are doing and building is a choice. And for that matter, being happy is a choice. Check the box on all of them and see what the fuck can really happen: the twisted weeds no longer have a strangling grip and in it’s place are some crazy wicked forms of life are thriving.

July 21, 2010

Estrogen The Mighty

Filed under: balance, energies, feminism, feminist mama, parenting, transformation, working mom — Tags: , , , , , — Kim Pacini @ 12:10 pm

The scope of the world tightens and everything grand and luscious feels like it’s out there, far far away. A big shiny opulescent big titted bird swoops down on me and with those big lady talons she’s got me. And there she is- Estrogen the Mighty has returned. Ravenous, graceful bitch.

It doesn’t seem right to me that the hormone that makes women, women- the sugar sauce that has everything to do with our lovely ovaries and bulbous breasts is one that produces the most agitated state of feminine grace. Could this be another conspiracy of the elusive patriarchy to make us think we are helpless to bursts of maddness? I smell a rat in three piece suit.

So, ladies tell me: how can we channel the fury of our biological thunder to conquer the world?

July 15, 2010

The Morning Commute

Sitting on the bus in my seat against the window, watching the the humanity I travel among every morning. Today, in the blue Septa seat sits a young mother in a burka taking her two boys to school, a bald and stately black man wearing a tan suit reading through a manilla file, an Asian woman I suppose is a nurse wearing scrubs and big ass rhinestone sunglasses mixed in with teenagers, babies, workers and addicts and me, all on our way somewhere. Moving. Intersecting. Together.

I miss Danae, it bothered me today to have to leave. I think about working like this for a few more years and get sad at the time I won’t have with her. I got jealous of Joe and the moms that watch my baby while they stay home with theirs. I got mad at their potty training abilities, mad at their photobooks time and the time they have to develop their children. Its not them, I know. Its me, I know.

I’m having a hard time with all things I didn’t want to happen, happening. Tv all the time, hotdogs, time apart to make more money. I feel that this whining is superficial and to some degree it is. I know what is best for us and what needs to happen. I know my cousins need our help. I know my family needs stability and income on order to live our dream and so then its okay and I am proud and excited by the potential and limitless possibilities that lie ahead.

Sitting on the bus, I wonder if these people know what I know and what their house might look like, their neighborhood or where they are going. Moving ahead or trudging along, being or fighting, breaking or perpetuating cycles. Why and what brought them to this bus ride. and that brings to me to why I am on this bus ride, thinking about these sorts of things.

July 5, 2010

Festival Lightshow

Filed under: balance, consciousness, feminist mama, freedom, hips, transformation, Uncategorized — Kim Pacini @ 5:26 am

I’ve been listening to the night, the vibrating harmony of buzzes, chirps, crickets. With the most fantastic lightshow ahead of me. The shadows of the trees across the field create the blackest curtain, the fireflies butts aglow to make a light curtain that reveals the inspiration for the fiberoptic version.

Sitting here in the woods, my cub sleeping something sweet and my hubby making lights in the pavilion, I have finally resolved and understood my draw to do many things and develop many ideas. The music in my heart swelled and soared as I began to understand that I need multiple experiences or projects to serve the outlets for the different perspectives I have. In that resolve came the freedom to love what I love because it makes sense now. Everything makes sense in my truth.

Leading to an interweaving of ideas to create a great mane of texture and color into my path. I wasn’t meant to be stationary and cannot learn from being in the same place for long. I have to move so that I can develop the ideas that are constantly leaping in front of me, they require action. Great things can come from my action.

The hair! The beautiful hair my dream of me painting an enormous canvas. My hair was red with streaks of gold and platinum. It was full with some dreads and ribbons weaved throughout. Definitely curls and waves. Oh I love it!

June 15, 2010

Live as a feminist

Filed under: Uncategorized — Kim Pacini @ 6:40 pm

I work for an organization i fell in love with when I learned about because what it does is transform. The collective act, the sense of feminism in mission and practice by the masses is to me something beautiful. its proof that we all promote the feminist ideal..sustainability through community, power in the individual thinking like part of a collective.

its practice carries with it power. power to transform is everything and we can do that my making choices. we can choose our actions with intent. we can give to an organization, we can volunteer, we can go for a walk for once and enjoy the magnanimous world we live in as the one we choose to be in, we can turn off the tv, we can kiss our baby, we can look at things as an observer and try to understand it with compassion, we can listen. seriously.

there is so much pain. wasted pain. pain due to money, due to being unable to provide, due to feeling inadequate due to someone eles’ feeling inadequate and so on. when someone is fucked up, ask why? and there is always some sort of answer. ask yourself why, why do you do what you do, why do yo feel that way, what is your reason. its called awareness and in it, is feminism.

feminism ‘s next step is to demand feminist practice. stop it. help a woman transform and save her family.

Dirty and and tired and loving every second of it.

Just when I think I’ve got this, I don’t. Just when I step out a little on either side to fill in the space I I know I can reach I reach it alright but there is a whole new feeling of discomfort there. Same cycle; I just went from the tense phase to the bugging our stage and now am in the what the fuck stage. Dirty and and tired and loving every second of it.

It’s 8 o’clock at night, I just put Danaë to bed. I am writing this post in the kitchen having just finished packaging tomorrow’s breakfast and lunch for all of us, iPhone in hand to give existence to the flow of words in my head.

Five minutes prior to this, I was living the scene in my movie where I standing in my kitchen at the end of the day, romanced by Ann Peebles in my hips when the music swells compelling me to stop take a deep breath, put my hands over head and let all the exasperation out. The sound of the lady blues: I’m doing what mother after mother after mother has done; work at taking care of their babies. For all of us, its work on some level and for most of us we have had the moment when all we can do is sigh and know its all alright and that bed isn’t too far off.

Fucking hell today took a lot of effort. At one point, I literally didn’t think I could handle another second of exerting energy. Physically drawn to walking out and going to sleep, unable to put a cranky, over awake child to sleep and feeling like I have lost my mom superpowers. But I didn’t, and she went to sleep happy and I got a shower and here I am, clean and tired and leaning on the kitchen counter stealing a moment to write and can’t wait to get to sleep with my love.

June 12, 2010

horscope said it was ok to be a narcissist this week

So Rob Brezny, astrologer to this pagan goddess explains my horoscope this week as:

“If you have long conversations with the image in the mirror this week, I won’t call you a megalomaniacal narcissist. Nor will I make fun of you if you paint 15 self-portraits, or google yourself obsessively, or fill an entire notebook with answers to the question “Who am I, anyway?” In my astrological opinion, this is an excellent time for you to pursue nosy explorations into the mysteries of your core identity. You have cosmic permission to think about yourself with an intensity you might normally devote to a charismatic idol you’re infatuated with.”

I find this timely as I am not sure what the hell I am doing, professionally speaking. I know I want to be in business for myself. I know I want to write.

Am I writer? I can say with some sense of emphatically, yes. After all these years, writing has been a constant activity. So what do I want to do about it. I want to write a book and open a program for girls. Easy enough. So, why don’t I go right to there and stop wasting my time looking to do anything other than that? Well, the thing is that I feel that it is going to happen and so I am not all that concerned about it – my question is to how to get there thoughtfully and in a way that is healthy for us. My first priority is getting money in the door and opening up our lives to allow for scheduling, that is time together, that fits our schedules. Maybe that’s why I’m not bugging out – as much as I want change to happen, I know it is happening at rate that is best for us.

I know all these things I want:

I want this blog to be well developed and thought out and to serve its purpose and marketed with clever mastery of marketing channels and have a community of feminists that begin to bridge a new reality by connecting trough the ways they have made their own choices.  I want to foster that change. I see the goddess coming out strong from me these days, in ways I have never seen before but only stood in awe of. At times, I have caught myself in a window or mirror and am so impressed by what I see looking back. Its in this state, I know I can do anything and I am riding on that most of these days.

I know I have a book in me but I need some direction. Some clear guidance. Should it be about me or of another character. What form would be the best way to present the information? What does one need to be writer? how do I develop my craft? I honsetly feel its as easy an editor. strange.

I would love a selection of wines and good clothing. All sustainable and designed by Sarah. and Betsy Johnson.

I would love land and a garden and flowers and I would love to spend days in it; taking  care of it. I would like a fire pit and a deck an hot tub. I want to sit under the stars every night.I want Danaë to run.

I want to be near the water.

I want to have fun.

Baby is stirring….love.

May 27, 2010

35

Im 35 today. Today, I read a breathtaking account of a life’s activities in From the Teeth of Angels and it says something about how we are born knowing everything and when we come outside we become detached and thats the start of it all. Maybe that’s why I like birthdays, a day when I feel on top of the world, at my best, open to celebrate, nothing matters too much, attractive because I am all that matters and I feel good: the way one feels when they are totally connected. The way we felt on the day we were born.

Today, I felt the presence of being blessed.

35 has been a simple day. To say nothing special happened would be to discredit that which happens everyday around here as not being special which is ridiculous. I felt so much joy today..a new dress – a short! dress. I havent wore that hemline in a little while and settled into it the way a sway settles into your whole body when you feel a motown song: familiar and right and good and sexy. I have been the recipient of a ton of well wishes from all over my life. I had general tso’s tofu  for the first time and Joe made me the best tacos I’ve ever had while I played outside with Danaë and her girlfriends Taylor (5) and Sharea (9). My husband and daughter gave me so much love and I am elated to know it will be there tomorrow and the next day and the next. This is my everyday, pretty much. A fantastic place to be and that what 35 is all about.

In this year, I have earned my womanly body with hips that have expanded after bearing a child.

This year, something shifted and I was no longer scared, when the fear passed I was calm and filled with the most natural and elated feeling that I all I want to do it be with Danaë. That taking care of my family is delight like no other.

To make it to 35, I battled some demons and slayed some dragons. Their presence had been there for all of my life; they were the strongest and last to go of a certain set of beliefs I had formulated somewhere along the line. Fear, fear and more fear. See ya suckas! Now that they are gone, I can sit still and listen to what I know is going on. I’m not distracted by a ferocious lion demon with green dragon scales.

I thought 35 was something that would have a nostalgic impact, a wish for something younger. I am pleased, albeit a little surprised, to  say that is not the case at all. the goddess refuses to feel something so trivial.

I see it this way: I thought I wanted to eat more vegetables and all of the sudden I realize I am eating tofu broccoli sugar snap biting sweet delicious vegetable soup for lunch, cashews for snacks, and sweet potatoes for dinner.  It just happened. I thought I wanted more ritual in my life and have brought yule into our family’s traditions while writing the annual birthday ritual. I have excelled at yoga and have started our emergency fund.

As Miss Penny Lane says, its all happening.

« Newer PostsOlder Posts »

Blog at WordPress.com.