mama hips

June 6, 2011

Car ride epiphany: Motherhood

On the way home today, I was yet again reminded of strength of connection after having the scariest experiences ever when my daughter explored past her toddler limits. She is fine and nothing happened but we were both traumatized by the fear I felt. It was a lesson in trust, a lesson in the ways boundaries will be tested in the lengths of my daughters spirit of exploration. Her development is so quick, her impulses so genuine  fierce determination in everything  she does. epiphany

I had a car ride home to not think about it and relax and what I got from it was a lesson in self reliance as a mother. I am shifting my life to let me spend more time with Danaë as being with her is the place I resonate the strongest and want to be. Not ever including mother as something I wanted to be when I grew up, this phase of my life evolved from a uterus driven impulse I could not ignore  -that it was time to make a baby. I have no training for this, no pre-expressed desire or research to substantiate; no preparation no articulation of the goal. I am scared of not doing well, of causing unintended harm due to my lack of awareness, education or ability.

As I drove home, I remembered she is safe, sleeping sweetly in the backseat as I drove us home.  I connected to everything we did this weekend and what we do every day. What I do for Danaë everyday:  kissing, tickling, feeding, teaching, cleaning, involving, exposing, guiding, shaping and loving – packing snacks, going down slides, rolling in the grass, giving baths, holding her hand to fall asleep. I thought of the car packed with our weekend supplies, the fun we had at the zoo and the tons of love she had with her grandparents all weekend long and I feel like superwoman.

On the PA Expressway, driving into the night, I realized I do have the ability to do this well (as my mother pointed out) as evidenced in the sweet, smart, kind, compassionate, inquisitive, vocal, imaginative, loving, independent little girl we are raising.

Self reliance is nothing I can be worried about any longer because we and she is fucking brilliant. We’re perfect for one another as we evolve together into who we truly are.

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June 15, 2010

Dirty and and tired and loving every second of it.

Just when I think I’ve got this, I don’t. Just when I step out a little on either side to fill in the space I I know I can reach I reach it alright but there is a whole new feeling of discomfort there. Same cycle; I just went from the tense phase to the bugging our stage and now am in the what the fuck stage. Dirty and and tired and loving every second of it.

It’s 8 o’clock at night, I just put Danaë to bed. I am writing this post in the kitchen having just finished packaging tomorrow’s breakfast and lunch for all of us, iPhone in hand to give existence to the flow of words in my head.

Five minutes prior to this, I was living the scene in my movie where I standing in my kitchen at the end of the day, romanced by Ann Peebles in my hips when the music swells compelling me to stop take a deep breath, put my hands over head and let all the exasperation out. The sound of the lady blues: I’m doing what mother after mother after mother has done; work at taking care of their babies. For all of us, its work on some level and for most of us we have had the moment when all we can do is sigh and know its all alright and that bed isn’t too far off.

Fucking hell today took a lot of effort. At one point, I literally didn’t think I could handle another second of exerting energy. Physically drawn to walking out and going to sleep, unable to put a cranky, over awake child to sleep and feeling like I have lost my mom superpowers. But I didn’t, and she went to sleep happy and I got a shower and here I am, clean and tired and leaning on the kitchen counter stealing a moment to write and can’t wait to get to sleep with my love.

May 27, 2010

35

Im 35 today. Today, I read a breathtaking account of a life’s activities in From the Teeth of Angels and it says something about how we are born knowing everything and when we come outside we become detached and thats the start of it all. Maybe that’s why I like birthdays, a day when I feel on top of the world, at my best, open to celebrate, nothing matters too much, attractive because I am all that matters and I feel good: the way one feels when they are totally connected. The way we felt on the day we were born.

Today, I felt the presence of being blessed.

35 has been a simple day. To say nothing special happened would be to discredit that which happens everyday around here as not being special which is ridiculous. I felt so much joy today..a new dress – a short! dress. I havent wore that hemline in a little while and settled into it the way a sway settles into your whole body when you feel a motown song: familiar and right and good and sexy. I have been the recipient of a ton of well wishes from all over my life. I had general tso’s tofu  for the first time and Joe made me the best tacos I’ve ever had while I played outside with Danaë and her girlfriends Taylor (5) and Sharea (9). My husband and daughter gave me so much love and I am elated to know it will be there tomorrow and the next day and the next. This is my everyday, pretty much. A fantastic place to be and that what 35 is all about.

In this year, I have earned my womanly body with hips that have expanded after bearing a child.

This year, something shifted and I was no longer scared, when the fear passed I was calm and filled with the most natural and elated feeling that I all I want to do it be with Danaë. That taking care of my family is delight like no other.

To make it to 35, I battled some demons and slayed some dragons. Their presence had been there for all of my life; they were the strongest and last to go of a certain set of beliefs I had formulated somewhere along the line. Fear, fear and more fear. See ya suckas! Now that they are gone, I can sit still and listen to what I know is going on. I’m not distracted by a ferocious lion demon with green dragon scales.

I thought 35 was something that would have a nostalgic impact, a wish for something younger. I am pleased, albeit a little surprised, to  say that is not the case at all. the goddess refuses to feel something so trivial.

I see it this way: I thought I wanted to eat more vegetables and all of the sudden I realize I am eating tofu broccoli sugar snap biting sweet delicious vegetable soup for lunch, cashews for snacks, and sweet potatoes for dinner.  It just happened. I thought I wanted more ritual in my life and have brought yule into our family’s traditions while writing the annual birthday ritual. I have excelled at yoga and have started our emergency fund.

As Miss Penny Lane says, its all happening.

May 18, 2010

Can a mama have it all?

Filed under: Uncategorized — Tags: , , , , , , , , , , — Kim Pacini @ 2:32 am

To write or not write? Or rather to sleep or push it off a liitle longer? There are so many hours in a day and there’s some shit going on. I feel time crunching and focus a requirement and with that a certain pressure that’s making me squinty and loosing the feeling of the flow that keeps me languid and lucid.

Every minute feels like a negotiation of priorites to determine how that minute is best spent. It’s driving me a little batty- I feel myself squashing others hopes and optimisms if they don’t sound feasible. Always thinking in terms if outcomes. I’m going to be honest and say that I don’t know if existing in the mental space I do is the best thing for me. Huh, that’s a new one. If that’s true, then now what?

Right now, at 10:43 pm, I’m predicting my future exhaustion against how important it is that I keep writing. I could also be putting together danae’s food for tomorrow which is gonna bite me in the ass. I could be fucking off online. I could be uploading photographs.

I want to be the fully engaged, house eclecticly decorated, delicious natural cook, herbalist, ritual brilliant entrepeneur red headed pin up girl style mama that writes with magnificent wit and sexy smart charm.

Three hours last night made all the difference and so I know that is where I want to be. The creative, the open ended, the bold and bright, 2 homes or 1 with a boat load of travel. The obstacle of time. I feel it’s a construct I want to alleviate, much like money; they are dirty partners in a deal for my sunshine and happiness. But no alleviation so I must master but with each level of education I get knowledge but no results so WTF?

Now my head hurts. Sleep’s time. I feel this isn’t what I wanted to write and there’s something underneath but I go to this because it’s familiar. Ive been feeling that for a while and have no idea what it is. Ok, now sleepy. Going to fall asleep a little cleaner, listening to the city sounds.

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