mama hips

June 6, 2011

Car ride epiphany: Motherhood

On the way home today, I was yet again reminded of strength of connection after having the scariest experiences ever when my daughter explored past her toddler limits. She is fine and nothing happened but we were both traumatized by the fear I felt. It was a lesson in trust, a lesson in the ways boundaries will be tested in the lengths of my daughters spirit of exploration. Her development is so quick, her impulses so genuine  fierce determination in everything  she does. epiphany

I had a car ride home to not think about it and relax and what I got from it was a lesson in self reliance as a mother. I am shifting my life to let me spend more time with Danaë as being with her is the place I resonate the strongest and want to be. Not ever including mother as something I wanted to be when I grew up, this phase of my life evolved from a uterus driven impulse I could not ignore  -that it was time to make a baby. I have no training for this, no pre-expressed desire or research to substantiate; no preparation no articulation of the goal. I am scared of not doing well, of causing unintended harm due to my lack of awareness, education or ability.

As I drove home, I remembered she is safe, sleeping sweetly in the backseat as I drove us home.  I connected to everything we did this weekend and what we do every day. What I do for Danaë everyday:  kissing, tickling, feeding, teaching, cleaning, involving, exposing, guiding, shaping and loving – packing snacks, going down slides, rolling in the grass, giving baths, holding her hand to fall asleep. I thought of the car packed with our weekend supplies, the fun we had at the zoo and the tons of love she had with her grandparents all weekend long and I feel like superwoman.

On the PA Expressway, driving into the night, I realized I do have the ability to do this well (as my mother pointed out) as evidenced in the sweet, smart, kind, compassionate, inquisitive, vocal, imaginative, loving, independent little girl we are raising.

Self reliance is nothing I can be worried about any longer because we and she is fucking brilliant. We’re perfect for one another as we evolve together into who we truly are.

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July 27, 2010

Choice

Filed under: candles, freedom, mama, parenting, toddler, working mom — Tags: , , , , , , , — Kim Pacini @ 12:17 pm

On the 23; a panorama of the city in my peripheral as I write gently coming down from gorgeous vacation in rhode island. I emphasize gently because it was headed to the jagged as I felt my insides twist and turn as I got ready for work.  I started to feel pigeonholed into a life that is not taking place on the beach, surrounded by family, laughing and close all the time. In a quick minute, I was focused on depleted income, my lack of time with Danae when my cousin doesn’t have to do that and I wasn’t going to the pex party next week. I know I needed intervention to cut this weed in my magic garden. I consulted with Joe who said 1) can you focus on what has to get done now and not worry about whatever is happening? and 2) something about choices we have made. These concepts are interconnected.

I started rolling the words “happiness”, “choices” and “today” around in the entangled vine of bad thoughts and individual strands started to separate. What I got was that I chose this life. Every single piece of it is a choice. And what we are doing and building is a choice. And for that matter, being happy is a choice. Check the box on all of them and see what the fuck can really happen: the twisted weeds no longer have a strangling grip and in it’s place are some crazy wicked forms of life are thriving.

December 9, 2009

the pagan and the ritual

i love the earth, believe in energies and properties and vibrations and the goddess and the great balance and that we are all of the same thing. the presence of my daughter has increased my connection to my intentions, making them very present in my voice and actions. as such, christmas is in direct conflict with my (and my sweet lovin husband’s) direct beliefs. when I asked if we should bring her to see santa, he looked at me like I had 20 heads. all of the sudden, the idea of creating traditions with meanings strong enough to resonate with her past the commercial fat man and presents hype seemed overwhelming. how will i create a well adjusted child that doesnt believe in santa? does she have to not believe in him? how can we teach her that a shit ton of presents is excessive when we all know that grandparents exist to spoil their grandchildren and who am i to deny them of that? i am all for volunteering and think the easy excuse to volunteer at xmas time only is lame and insulting to participate in. i really dont want my daughter to be the kid on the playground that gives santa up to the other kids, crushing xmas and leading to many angry parent phone calls. I want to practice what we practice and be left alone. whats a pagan mom to do?

I have some issues with christmas. Im not into presents for everyone. Im not into formal meals. Im not into lying to my kid. im certainly not into malls and shopping. im really not into santas. I am into spending the day with family and traditions that make it a special day. This is where winter solstice resonates nicely. I love the idea of decorating my house with symbols that tell the story of rebirth and invite the right energies to promote celebration of the light. i do have a thing for the nutcracker  – my grandmother used to take me every year to see the story put on by a local community or highschool drama group.

when talking about the holiday plans this year, I realized I have graduated beyond not liking them because they are perversions of deeper meaning to getting a little excited about creating a space for good feelings and honoring those deeper connections for all of us. we can make the season our own. we do not have to give a ton of presents. instead, we can give one thats made or something like that. we can make the activity season long and let others have their christmas. maybe we do give it to grandparents.

breaking the cycle my friends! here it is again.  make it your own. you dont have to shop or you  can assign value your shopping so it benefits someone else. the commercialism and removal or cutesifying of the earth based elements to the season is gross. its cheap. its a hugely profitable attempt to replace the goddess with a system of values that inspire for the wrong reasons. its not the most wonderful time of the year. if you lived your life balanced then you would be intune that acclaimed magic that everyone talks about througout the year.

bring the goddess back to the solstice season. thats whats feminist. Id love to hear what you and your families do to apply their progressive parenting and lifeliving to the holiday season…please post away what brilliant, heartwarming and genuine traditions you have to the solstice season.

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